Offer to drive a group of kids to a pumpkin patch.
Encourage a kid to stay for dinner.
Invite classmates over.
These are all things parents can do to pull apart the loneliness epidemic affecting kids and to help them make friends. According to new research from The C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health, kids today aren’t making friends easily like they used to. In a survey of 1,031 parents of kids ages 6 to 12, one in five parents say that their kids have no friends or not enough. Ninety percent say their child would like to have more friends. What’s going on? Don’t kids just play together?
Help Your Kids Make Friends
Friendships play a significant role in a child’s emotional well-being, self-esteem and sociability. But barriers exist today — where they weren’t in previous years — where kids feel more shy or socially awkward. Blame it on the pandemic, isolation or technology, no matter, it’s there. In the research, reasons for friend-making problems include not having a place to hang out together (16%); kids already in their own friend group (17%) and other kids being mean (15%). Medical conditions or disabilities accounted for less than 10% of responses.
But adults and psychologists recognize that having friends is a universal human need. Nobody wants to be lonely. We all want to feel a sense of connection to others. Typically, kids seek relationships that make them feel good and spend a lot of time just sharing personal information with their friends. In addition, kids want to be recognized as competent. A kid’s desire to make the dance team, score the winning run or prevail on family game night reflects these needs for achievement and status. When a kid is struggling to make connections, it’s OK for parents to step in, says child psychologist and author Michele Borba.
“The good news is, social skills can be taught,” Borba says. “Teaching them can do nothing but enhance their social confidence and expand their potential for fulfillment,” she adds.
Making Friends
Making Friends— Practice introductions: “Hi! My name is John.” “Glad to meet you.” “You’re good at soccer.” “Do you live around here?” “Do you go to school here?”
— Teach kids how to speak up: Make a comment to show you care: “You’re kidding?” “Really?” “That’s great!” Show that you understand. “Okay,” “Got it,” “Right,” “Thanks,” “I see.” Ask the person to explain if you don’t understand: “Do you mean …?” “What happened then?” “Did you want that to happen?”
— Teach traits of true connection: Both kids want to be part of the friendship; it’s positive (both members genuinely like each other, enjoy spending time together and trust each other enough to share secrets and personal information).
How to Support Kids’ Friendship Skill-Building
Getting involved in kids’ social lives can feel like stepping into a minefield – missteps can cause emotional explosions. Use these strategies to support your kids through their social development:
• Create Opportunities: Don’t manage your child’s social life, but you CAN invite another family over for dinner and let the kids entertain themselves while the grown-ups talk. You can also encourage your kid to invite a friend over, offer to do the driving. When a potential friend comes over, step back and let them get acquainted through play or just hanging out together.
• Check Your Expectations: Kids vary widely in how many friends they have and the depth of their relationships. What matters most are your child’s feelings about relationships with peers. Friendship should be a (mostly) positive experience.
• Be a Sounding Board: If you kid shares their friendship struggles, resist the urge to solve the problem. Instead, support your child by listening to what’s happening and absorbing the worries. With your emotional support, your child can find her way.
• Let Your Child See Your Friendships: Showing your kids how you care for your own friends is a chance for you to talk about how they can apply the same attitudes of goodwill in their own relationships.
For plenty of children (and adults) making new friends can be stressful. It’s a good thing for parents to take steps to help their kids cultivate friendships, because everybody needs friends. Everybody.
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