Life with kids — especially when they are very young and like putty in your hands — is a gift. Childhood is an ultra busy time in any parent’s life and it’s worth embracing fully. And yet all of us have individual needs and ways of expressing ourselves. These unique needs are at the heart and soul of ourselves and can be understood as love languages. Being aware of our unique love languages creates a pathway to deeper bonding. Enter your child’s love language.
In the #1 New York Times bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages of Children, (Northfield Publishing, May, 2016), authors Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell outline the five different ways each of us receive love. For each child, there is one particular “language” that has the loudest voice. This personal love language can help moms and dads to understand each of their children in different ways; Chapman and Campbell say the secret to loving your children well is in knowing their love languages.
But your child’s dominant love language may not be as easy to detect as you think. Plus, love languages can work both ways. For instance, someone’s primary love language may be Acts of Service (they feel deeply loved when others do things for them), but they may express love through one of the other languages. How these all mix around is the key to understanding your kids — and yourselves.
Here’s a brief rundown of the five languages so you can begin experimenting with how you related to your kids.
How to Identify Your Child’s Love Language
PHYSICAL TOUCH
For many, physical touch communicates love more deeply than the words, “I love you.” It also has more impact than a present, fixing a bicycle, or spending time together. Some of the ways you can show love to the child whose love language is physical are:
• Hold hands when you walk side by side or when you tell stories
• Give high fives
• Enjoy lots of hugs and kisses
• Sit close to them
• Touch their shoulder when talking or making a request
• Ask often if they need a hug or cuddle
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Sending helpful, positive messages is very important to children. And to the opposite effect, be aware that criticism and a harsh tone of voice are particularly hard on children whose primary love language is words of affirmation. Even though affirming words are quickly said, they are not soon forgotten. Try these things:
• Give your child a sweet nickname
• Leave notes in their lunchbox
• Say, “I love you” first and often
• Share what you like about them
• Verbally affirm their positive actions
• Tell them you’re proud of them
• Offer sincere, heartfelt compliments
QUALITY TIME
Spending time with some children where you are intently focused on them is a beautiful gift. It makes your child feel that he is the most important person in the world to you. When you spend quality time with children, it says, “You are important to me.” Tips for children who want your undivided attention include:
• Play with them without distractions
• Read together
• Go on mommy/daddy dates
• Let your child choose how to spend time together
• Cook together
• Tell them stories of your childhood
• Laugh and tell jokes
• Practice active listening
GIFTS
For the child whose love language is gifts, it’s not about just collecting objects. Those whose language of love is receiving gifts will respond differently when they get their gift. The gift is a symbol of the thought behind it. It says, “I was thinking of you.” Meaningful things you can do include:
• Send them mail
• Select personalized gifts based on what they enjoy
• Gift them a friendship bracelet you made
• Hand out stickers and small rewards
• Provide an inexpensive handmade gift
• Study and know what the child likes
ACTS OF SERVICE
Love is a verb because love is action. This is the little acts of service you do to communicate, “You mean so much to me.”
• Set up play invitations/activities
• Help them with homework
• Repair or mend a toy or other belonging
• Make them a special meal or treat
• Teach them how to do things
• Offer a blanket on a cold day
• Help them with their room decor
Still not sure which love languages define your child best? Go online to fivelovelanguages.com and take the free quiz.
