Kids and devices. Ugh. I have three children ranging from 7 to 17. Each one got a phone earlier than the last, but it has ruined everything for all of us:
— My oldest will scroll social media for hours on end, looking like a mouse clicking a button for cheese.
— My middle child will literally be on her phone or iPad for 10 hours straight if no one gets her off.
— My youngest refuses to get off and her behavior has become aggressive and physical. Every night is a battle.
I try to set reasonable boundaries, but my partner has an almost completely permissive style of parenting. It’s usually me fighting every battle. I’m just at a loss for how to control devices to be a healthy portion of our family life.
Sound familiar? This era we’re in where nearly 100 percent of homes have a smart device continues to be one, big grand experiment. Yet we’re all well aware of technology, the ills of social media and the need for our kids’ good mental health. Today, psychiatrists see an uptick in childhood depression. Parents see their children talking less with their heads down more. What to do?
The “Right” Age for a Smartphone is As Late as Possible
Common Sense Media says an electronic childhood has “profound implications for parenting and childhood.” Because the evidence is clear that all ages are hooked on devices. However if you raise your kids with common sense and authority, you stand the best chance of parenting your child through the weedy world of what’s good for him and what isn’t. Obviously keeping tech out of little hands is a smart move from the start.
Nathaniel Clark, M.D., Chief of Staff for Vanderbilt Psychiatric Hospital, says the right age for a smartphone varies by child, but that “as late as possible” is best.
Smartphones and the like provide a huge source of pleasure for everyone, but they are also incredibly hard on parenting. Moms and dads try to enforce sensible balance with homework or reading but constantly face push back. Nothing provides that individual, deeply immersive experience like a device does. So homes are circuses with parents trying to balance screen time with everything else in their kids’ lives. Trying to enforce limits on tech time causes kids to rebel and parental frustration to mount.
The answer, of course, is on the parents. To be the ones who understand that it’s hard for kids to balance their device time and that it’s not their fault. If you can calmly and effectively discuss the issue with your kids, it may be a good first step.
“If we can approach our children with empathy and respect, and can avoid being punitive,” Clark says. “We can often set good limits that help our children grow.”
It’s worth it for parents to keep at their efforts to minimize tech at home — especially with toddlers.
Kids and Devices Mean Less Conversation Time
Have you noticed that kids talk less today than ever before? Can our devices be to blame? Unfortunately, there’s evidence of that.
A 2024 study from the Jama Network revealed that when toddlers are exposed to excessive screen time, they have fewer conversations with their parents. The long-term implications of this are obviously concerning since childhood is about critical development and sociability is crucial.
Jean Twenge, Ph.D., the best-selling author of Generations: The Real Differences Between Gen Z, Millenials, Gen X Boomers and Silents — and What They Mean for America’s Future says a kind of hopelessness is built in to kids and devices and open-ended device use. She says the year 2012 (when iPhone use went above the 50 percent mark) is the same year that kids started saying they felt “sad, hopeless, useless, and that they couldn’t do anything ‘right.’” Kids started describing feeling left out and lonely to researchers. Twenge saw a 50 percent increase in teen clinical level depression. That was 15 years ago and we still haven’t come to terms with digital time limits at home for real.
For more resources, visit kidsmentalhealthfoundation.org.
Connection Needed
When children are given devices at young ages, human connectivity drops away. If you’re set on giving your young child a device, know that you must stay connected to them at the same time.
As children grow, they must have human connections or they will become lonely, often deeply so. The iPad, iPhone, Facebook and all of the social media platforms promise connection, but it’s not really there. These items provide a temporary relief from loneliness, but when they’re taken away, the “pain” returns.
Kids don’t understand this “pain,” or “hole” inside, and they need parents to help sort everything out.
“If we have a strong connection with our children, we can help them verbalize what’s going on inside,” Clark says.
According to Gabor Maté, M.D., a renowned expert on addiction, when you put a smart device in the hands of your toddler, you are giving him a one-way relationship. An indifferent, unloving, inhuman babysitter. Bye, bye connectivity.
The Problem at Large
For older kids and adults, stress is a reality. It produces the situations that provoke dangerous thoughts and the word no parent likes to hear – suicide. With the rate of childhood suicides continuing to rise, mental health screenings for kids in school are the norm now. But parents must be on the alert for behavior changes.
Red flags for mental health issues in children include sadness or withdrawal. In addition, changes in sleeping or eating habits, difficulty concentrating, excessive worry or fear and aggression are issues.
You can counter the effects of too much screen time for your kids by offering other fun alternatives to the satisfaction device use brings. It’s hard, but it’s possible.
Mindfulness to the Rescue
So what to do about kids and devices. If you feel your family is being ruined by device use, take heart. You love your phone, and your toddler loves her iPad. That’s OK, but Clark says you do need to incorporate a sense of mindfulness because your toddler needs you.
“When we are not mindful with our children, or distracted by digital technology, we do two things,” says Clark. “The first is modeling that distraction is normal, even for the people whom we need to be attentive to. The second is that our children may feel unimportant. Infancy (and toddlerhood) are crucial times for developing a sense of attachment and stability. It sets the stage for how our children experience relationships in the world,” he adds.
So, say no to the misguided view that limits are old fashioned. Or that being authoritative with your children is the wrong way to go. Be the parent, and set clear tech limits for your children and yourself. Take back your home and let everybody know that it’s your job to do so.
“Say, ‘No’ to all screens for your child’s first two years, says Steiner-Adair. “Everything your child needs to grow into what she can be is available from her relationship to you,” she adds. And as the kids grow, don’t be afraid to instill limits at home … it’s the one battle that’s worth all of the effort it takes.
