Are you OK? “Yes.”
What’s wrong? “Nothing.”
Are you sure? “Yep.”
Any of these conversations sound familiar?
I’ve had them many times with my wife. And if I’m being honest, my answers often sidestepped deeper feelings and were more about avoiding potential conflicts than truly answering the questions.
Like most dads, I struggle sometimes to juggle all the balls that go along with being a father, husband, full-time employee, homeowner — the list goes on.
Sometimes, it feels like the only time I get anything done for myself is when everyone else is sleeping. So, it’s ironic that I’m writing this column during my 2-year-old’s nap time to talk about a critically important but often overlooked topic: Dads need help with their mental health.
In the United States, nearly one in 10 men experience depression or anxiety, but fewer than half of them seek treatment. And if you’re a dad whose mental health challenges go undiagnosed or unaddressed, research suggests that your condition can negatively affect your kids socially and behaviorally for years.
Kids have a front-row seat when dad is coping with sadness, anger, isolation or stress. In other words: When there’s a rain cloud over Dad’s head, it’s almost impossible for the rest of the family to not get wet.
So, what’s standing in our way of getting help when we fathers begin to show signs of mental distress?
It’s probably no shocker that men aren’t very good at asking for support. Society has long stigmatized mental health struggles for men, often perceiving those feelings as weaknesses.
“Man up!” we’re told growing up. And then when we grow into men and subsequent fathers, we struggle with recognizing and regulating our emotions.
At the same time, today’s modern dad faces a range of new pressures that our grandfathers never did. We’ve kicked a lot of misguided “manly” stereotypes to the curb and joined our spouses as multi-taskers on the homefront. We change diapers, cook meals, take the kids to school, do the laundry and even set up playdates. When you add getting bills paid, job responsibilities and house/car maintenance, that’s a lot of balls to juggle.
It’s past time for today’s modern dads to embrace early interventions and resources that not only help our wellbeing as men, but the wellbeing of our children. A few good places to start are websites such as Fathers Mental Health, National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse and Man Therapy. Exercise, being outdoors and seeing a therapist are also important resources.
I like hammers, drills and saws as much as the next guy. But this Father’s Day, let’s fill our tool belt with a few other tools, too — ones that focus on our mental health needs. It’s a great way to build a better family.
Remember dads, if you have a rain cloud above you, it affects the rest of your family. Your kid(s) is/are watching you, so set the example. Ask for help when you need it. Don’t ignore your feelings. And doing so makes you no less of a man.
