When my preschooler was struggling with speech delay, our conversations were strikingly one-sided.
“What’s that, buddy?” No response. “Oh, is that a truck?” Silence. “Do you like trucks?” More silence. “I like trucks, too.” Crickets.
Now that he’s in kindergarten, the tables are turning. My son talks … a lot. There is no more silence. And I’m learning how to talk less, listen more and let him find his own voice.
It’s not always easy. As parents, there’s sometimes an urge to jump in and speak for our children.
You can see how this happens. In the early years, we’re trying to teach them about language, vocabulary and the art of conversation. But there comes a tipping point. How do we know when to step back as parents and let them do the talking?
When we get out of their way, we may discover that our kids have more to say. What should that look like?
There’s a skill called “active listening.” Basically, when your kid tells you something, before putting in your two cents, just repeat it back and sort of listen to the feelings behind their words.
Say your pre-teen says, “I want to have blue hair.”
Some parents might say, “No way you’re going to live in my house and have blue hair.” What does that do? It shuts down the conversation. Instead, you could say, “Oh, you want to have blue hair?” And then just be quiet.
And then your kid might say, “Everyone’s doing it.”
Some parents might say, “I don’t care what everyone else is doing. If everyone jumps off a cliff, are you going to jump off with them?” Again, not necessarily helpful. An alternative response: “It sounds like you want to be like the other kids.”
Then your kid might say, “Sometimes, I feel like I don’t fit in,” which is really the conversation you want to be having.
At this point, lots of parents might say, “Of course you fit in. You’re a sweet, talented, good-looking kid that everyone would be lucky to be friends with.” And that’s not always helpful either. Sometimes, it’s best just to listen. That’s where you build your bond.
Language is a skill, but so is listening.
It’s natural and appropriate for a parent to want to offer guidance to a struggling child, especially when the struggle appears to be affecting the child’s self-esteem. But how do we also help our kids find their own voice and equip them to be problem-solvers?
The transition can be a bit messy — kind of like blue hair dye on a 12-year-old. But in the long run, saying less and listening more is how we as parents help our kids develop self-confidence from the inside out.
