Envision yourself standing in a powerful pose: hands on hips, chest out, chin jutting upward towards the sky. Chances are good that if you have a new baby, this is not how you feel most days. In fact, you may notice that you rarely feel this way. Why is it that new parenthood — a status so desired — is often so darned hard? It’s overwhelming, loaded with insecurities and filled with sleepless nights. You probably won’t recognize yourselves for quite sometime. Welcome to the world of being a new parent — and how are earth are you ever going to find your groove? Hang in there, it’s possible, and it WILL happen. Many parents who have been there say it takes at least four weeks to start feeling some semblance of themselves again.
“Parenting can be very overwhelming, especially in the beginning,” says Judy Ho, Ph.D., a triple board certified forensic neuropsychologist and author.
“It is important to talk about how you are feeling with your partner or any other supportive loved ones who are helping you care for your newborn during this time. Make sure to have discussions about expectations, division of responsibilities and problem solving together as a team,” she adds.
Discover Your Parent Groove!
Remember This Too Shall Pass
It helps to know that life will not always be like this. The first several weeks are defined by starts and stops in a hazy postpartum blur. Embrace the good, endure the difficult. Know that creative workarounds are your new go-to because you are managing someone else’s life and it’s completely unpredictable.
Get All the Help You Can
For things like a daily shower, have someone else hold Baby. For everything else, hold your baby yourself (if that’s what you want to do) while other people take care of you. “Never hesitate to ask for help,” says Harvey Karp, M.D. bestselling author of The Happiest Baby on the Block. “Whether it’s a postpartum doula, a nanny, meal kit delivery, leaning on your friends and family — any of these things can go a long way in easing the parenting load,” he adds.
Prioritize Basic Needs
Find ways to work with your partner on who manages the baby while you both get a little self-care in. Let your partner take the baby as soon as she wakes up so you can at least sleep a bit more until Baby’s hungry. Talk together about how you can work a little give-and-take into your hours at home with the baby together. Fill up on nutrient-dense snacks. Call a friend and cry. Cry together. Do whatever you need to do and let the endless housekeeping chores take a back seat.
Babywear
Take turns wearing Baby so you can share the responsibility together. Prepare meals for yourselves and eat while your baby is napping. Learn what works for you and lean into it.
Know that Worried Thoughts are Normal
For new mamas, it’s completely normal to slump on the floor crying and wonder what you’re doing with your life. There will be days when you’re distracted by thoughts about whether or not Baby’s eating well enough or whether you should respond right way to their little cries. Sometimes worried thoughts are completely meaningless and sometimes they’re just your brain’s way of pointing out a potential danger so you can avoid it.
However, if negative thoughts persist and feel abnormal in intensity — or if they center around wanting to hurt yourself or your baby — go get help. Separate yourself from your baby and get someone to come step in.
Call your doctor and get a referral to a therapist. Do not isolate. Be ready to receive more than you give. It’s OK to feel selfish during this season — your family and friends will support you while you support your baby.
Believe in YOU
A lot of incoming information will be hurtling toward you from online searches, parents, other family members and more. Don’t doubt yourself. Your instincts and experience with your individual baby are better than any online information. Dr. Google can convince you that you’re messing up Baby’s development if you don’t force them to eat and sleep on a specific schedule. You’re not doing anything wrong, you are learning. Make sure you go to your pediatrician for the support and information you need.
Stay Away from Instagram’s
For-You-page; YouTube shorts,
Facebook videos, and TikTok
At best, these social media platforms take up your time without providing value to your life. At worst, they contribute to fear and depression. Mindless entertainment like shows or movies during contact naps is nice, but something about the short videos with an algorithm to serve you more of the same can lead to problems. Many new parents get sucked in to anything from perfect parenting videos to scary security camera footage of babies getting hurt.
Practice Self-Acceptance
With giving so much time to Baby and very little time left for yourself and practical duties, appearances may slip a bit. Give yourself grace during this time. Wear clothing that fits comfortably, even if it’s not as fashionable as usual. Get your hair cut in a way that won’t demand styling for a while. Appreciate your natural glow. Look forward to when you will get dressed up for occasional date nights together and socializing with friends. Simplify your needs and save time and energy.
Be Calmly Informed
If you suspect there is a problem with your baby, don’t wait for matters to worsen before you act. Calmly call your pediatrician so you can determine if you need to take any steps. Illnesses can progress swiftly in infants, so pay attention to early signs before ending up in the emergency room at 3 a.m. Keep a bevy of parenting books within reach, and directly consult with intimate family and friends with trusted experience when something concerning comes up. Above all, trust your instincts.
And Life Goes On
Everything you’re going through is part of your new groove: accepting that some days are better than others and that everything is in flux. As your baby grows and changes, learns new skills, develops preferences, desires independence — the whole “growing up” thing — some days will get easier while some get harder. And this will, you can know for sure, go on for … well, forever.
