Anger just may be the trickiest emotion in a child (or adult) lineup. It’s not easy to help your toddler express anger in a healthy way. Because how YOU saw grown-ups handle it when YOU were a kid — whether someone exploded or went radio silent — laid the groundwork for how you react to your own kids’ fiery feelings. For some of us, our child’s anger feels like a trigger; for others, it’s totally foreign territory. Since anger tends to make us squirm, we often (without meaning to) send the message: “Feel all the feels — except that one.” But if you can start seeing anger as just another normal human emotion, you can help your toddler and older kids do the same — no hitting, no growling, just healthy ways to let it out.
Help Your Toddler Express Anger
In Emily Edlynn Ph.D.’s book, Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children (Familius; Sept, 2023), the author lays out how you can help your toddler express anger in a healthy way.
Edlynn says little kids have all the brain power to feel big emotions in a flash — but not quite the wiring to manage them yet. As parents, it’s helpful to remember emotion basics, no matter your child’s age: tuning into body signals, naming the feelings and learning to say what’s going on instead of going full volcano mode.
We all know that young kids just aren’t built to calmly explain, “I’m angry because …” mid-meltdown. That’s next-level stuff. It takes a whole combo of skills their brains are still working on, like:
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Noticing what’s happening inside
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Hitting pause on a big reaction
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Understanding why they feel that way
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And then … finding the words to describe it
“Scaffolding” helps your child build coping skills one step at a time. PHOTO: Adobe
Scaffolding
There’s an important concept in child development that can help parents deal with toddler anger, says Edlynn: scaffolding. This is like building a skills ladder — helping your child climb one step at a time based on where they’re at and when they’re ready to level up. Helping toddlers express big anger in ways that work better out in the world takes skill. But let’s be real — asking a 3-year-old to calmly talk through her anger is a huge ask. So instead, focus on these two next-step goals:
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Helping your child physically cool down when the fire flares up. Think movement, breathing, or sensory tools — skills kids can use for life.
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Teaching your child it’s OK to feel angry — because it is! Kids learn this best by watching us. The more we show them how we handle frustration, the more they’ll learn it’s safe (and doable) to handle their’s.
One step at a time, you’re building an emotional toolkit — and that’s a pretty great thing.
Co-Regulation: Your Superpower Move
That sounds a like a fancy psychology term, but it’s really just this: helping your child calm down by calming down with them. It’s one of the most powerful ways kids learn emotional regulation — by borrowing your calm when their little systems go into high alert. And you know that high-alert mode: racing heart, tense muscles, fast breathing. Big emotions like anger and fear flip the switch fast. Toddlers can’t regulate on their own yet, so they need you to co-regulate. That means you have to bring the calm first. A steady voice, a soft touch, a cuddle, holding hands — these little things help their big feelings settle. Think of yourself as their emotional anchor in the storm.
Saying something like, “You’re mad because you didn’t get what you wanted — and that’s hard,” is infinitely better than saying something like, “This is ridiculous.” PHOTO: Adobe
Modeling Anger Like a Boss
One of the best gifts you can give your child? Showing them that anger is totally OK. Seriously — it’s just another human emotion, like happiness or sadness … but with a bit more volume and foot-stomping.
The trick is not falling into the two classic parent traps:
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Trying to talk them out of their anger (“It’s not a big deal, calm down!”)
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Letting their anger pull you into meltdown mode, too
You’ve probably had your moments, saying things like, “This is ridiculous!” when your kid flips out over the wrong cup color. But Edlynn says you can re-channel that by validating your child instead. Saying something like, “You’re mad because you didn’t get what you wanted — and that’s hard,” goes way further than telling them they are ridiculous. Validating is like tossing a lifeline and riding out the storm with them instead of lecturing or criticizing. Just like you can sit beside them when they’re sad, you can do the same when they’re mad: “I see you’re really angry. I’m here when you’re ready for a snuggle.”
Bottom Line
While all feelings are acceptable all behaviors are not, Edlynn says. Anger? Yes. Punching? Nope. You can say, “It’s OK to be angry, but I won’t let you hurt me.” Then, once the whirlwind of emotion passes, it’s your chance to chat it through. What was it that made them mad? What did it feel like? What helped it fade? These little convos build emotional smarts, coping tools, and the confidence that anger, like thunderstorms, always blows over eventually.
With time, practice, and a whole lotta patience, your little growling grizzly will absolutely move beyond the wild-animal phase. By accepting your child’s anger (even the loud, stompy kind) while gently teaching her new ways to express it, you’re setting her up for some serious emotional superpowers down the road.
Your toddler’s lucky to have a parent who’s not just wise and tuned in — but who’s also real enough to admit that sometimes her anger makes you angry too. And that’s OK. You’re both human. The best part? Your child’s learning that no matter how fierce the feelings, you’ll always be there — calm(ish), steady, and ready for a cuddle. Even when there’s growling.
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