In the weeks after your first baby arrives, a peculiar frustration tends to set up camp in many parents’ brains. It’s not about the endless diapers or the sleep deprivation or any of the standard-issue sacrifices that come with caring for the world’s most fragile little humans. It’s the frustration of not being able to get any understanding.
Yes, your heart is different. Yes, you may love so much more than you thought you ever could. Yes, life HAS to be different now. But does anyone really understand what you’re going through, mom or dad?
“I find that first year, the first three months specifically, to be so hard,” says Becky Kennedy, aka Dr. Becky, author of the bestselling Good Inside and the Podcast of the same name. “The utter dependency,” she adds.
It’s not easy.
Every attempt to articulate your new experience — this whole “becoming a parent” thing — seems to collapse into cliché the moment you try. It’s as if all powers of insight are quietly reassigned to the same storage bin as won’t-be-used concert tickets, non-stretch jeans, disposable income and any remaining just-the-two-of-us definition.
New Personhood to Sort Through
There’s the pre-baby version of yourself quietly fizzing beneath the surface, and then there’s the even more mysterious new person dozing in your lap while you try not to fall asleep. There’s the wondering if you can gently put the baby down or will they awake and start crying? Looking at each other, your husband and you, not really seeing each other. Trying to meet this new infant’s needs together. There’s just so much new personhood to sort through.
And what many parents want — more than anything — is for someone else to do what needs doing FIRST. There is nothing like your partner saying, “Here, let me do it, let me take that.”
And on a deeply personal level, you want everybody to understand. But don’t beat yourself up. This period of time won’t — doesn’t — last forever.
“If you’re having a hard time, take a deep breath and say to yourself, ‘I’m a good person who is having a hard time,” says Dr. Becky. “Tell yourself, ‘I can get through this,’” she adds.
And so, as a small offering to new parents, here is a shared list of things other parents have experienced after bringing home their first baby. You may recognize some of these thoughts. All new parents share a new normal. And just in case you ever thought you were the only one, here are other parents (courtesy of Reddit) on how their world changed after Baby arrived. Not to frighten you, but to help you become aware that it’s a real-world experience that countless others have been through. And they DO understand!
How That First Baby Rocks Your World Quotes
“Despite having 17 years of full time professional child rearing experience, we thought we’d be able to resume life relatively similar to as it was prior to baby. But my physical recovery took a lot of time & my mental health was shaky for quite a while. Feeding had its challenges, and it turns out our baby doesn’t like many environments apart from home.”
I could barely muster a shower …
“The first two months I was so tired, I could barely muster a shower. I was nervous about taking the baby anywhere for fear of RSV. For newborns, it’s life threatening. Newborns need to be fed every two-to-three hours until they get back to birth weight, which can take several weeks. It also takes them 45 minutes to an hour to eat, so the first month-ish is quite literally feeding, getting them to sleep, then feeding them again like one-to-two hours later. And when you’re not getting sleep at night, you desperately want that one-hour break to try to sleep or feed yourself.”
A million issues …
“I don’t think it is possible for a first-time parent to imagine how exhausted you will be the first few months. In the first few months, I didn’t have time or mental space to even brush my teeth twice a day. Breastfeeding can be convenient but it comes with its own set of difficulties. The stress when you don’t have enough milk is unreal, when you have a blocked milk duct it can feel like the end of the world. It is emotional time because of hormones and because this new person depends on you entirely for their sustenance. There are a million more issues you could have like bad latch, cracks, thrush. These are perfectly manageable and I am not discouraging you from breastfeeding, I did it and will 100% do it again but it is on top of dealing with lots of other issues, too.”
Not sleeping is no joke …
“If you have a c section, even getting in or out of the car will be difficult. I had a vaginal birth and couldn’t even stand on one foot for like two months after birth. Like, for working moms in Tennessee, disability itself is six weeks for a vaginal birth and eight weeks for c section. Plus the hormone crash and not sleeping, that first month PP is no joke.”
Wearing Baby helps …
“Your newborn most certainly will not just fit into your routine. Leaving the house is always a production – timing the naps, feeds, diapers just right and then dealing with the chaos of the carseat (at which point they’ll probably poop again). The sleep deprivation makes normal tasks seem way harder, and I was actually a little afraid to drive the first few weeks because I was so tired all the time. Baby wearing has helped but you can’t put a hungry baby with a dirty diaper in a carrier and expect to just go about your day.”
You don’t know til ya know …
“You have no idea how your life will change until you’re in the midst of it. You just don’t know til ya know! Newborns are usually fairly easy to tote around though (except for the car screaming).”
Changes everything …
“It changes everything. That’s not to say you can’t still do stuff. But it changes EVERYTHING.”
Fitting into Baby’s world …
“Your life won’t be “over.” It will be different. Having a baby should be a choice and the baby should become the center of your world because they’re little beings trying to figure out the world and will literally become the next generation. Every baby’s temperament is different. Some babies are easier than others and even the easy babies have their difficult moments. The baby will fit into your world, but more importantly, it’s really about you fitting into your baby’s world.”
Baby’s schedule all over the place …
“Well I’m only three weeks in but definitely a lot less capable than I thought I’d be. Hermitting indoors and not even going out for groceries. Hubby doing all errands for us. It’s tough to get a moment to even make myself breakfast or use the bathroom. Baby’s schedule is just all over the place at the beginning so it can be pretty unpredictable. And when they need you … they need you!! You get nap trapped a lot.”
Every ounce of energy you have …
“Babies are not hard; babies are TIME CONSUMING and take almost every ounce of energy you have.”
Is there a changing table …
“So many questions I ask myself that I never knew I would need to ask. You wonder about whether or not a place is baby friendly when you are out and about. Is there a changing table? Is there a high chair at the restaurant? Can I bring my stroller or will it be difficult to move around with it? Lol, just a few things to think about.”
It’s not an Instagram post of perfection …
“You can’t predict what life will be like. If you think it will be like an Instagram post of perfection, good luck with that. Odds are it will be a dumpster fire. You just need to adapt and sleep when you can. Remember to bathe and eat, too. Ask for help when needed.”
Tips from Dr. Becky
Ideas Dr. Becky emphasizes to help new parents.
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First months are hard even for experts.
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Self-compassion matters.
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Feeling overwhelmed doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
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You don’t have to go through it alone — naming the struggle builds connection.
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Emotional turbulence is temporary; you will get through it.
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