Being a parent can cause even the most tranquil person to lose it. In an effort to learn more about how to be calm around your kids, I chatted with Dr. Carla Naumburg, PH.D., author of the bestselling book, How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids: A Practical Guide to Becoming a Calmer, Happier Parent. In the book, Naumburg uses a conversational style that feels as if you are speaking to a friend and she shared that same tone during our interview.
Why a book about parents losing it? What does that mean?
CN: “We parents are losing our sh*t; we all want to do better, but we don’t know how. Also, because staying calm when everything is falling apart is the key to eternal happiness. Ok, maybe not eternal happiness, but it is necessary to get the chaos under control rather than contributing to it.”
You write that there’s is no such thing as a bad parent — can you
expand on that?
CN: “Don’t get me wrong. There are parents who make less-than-ideal parenting choices. But rather than calling them “bad parents,” I think we should call them “human parents” or perhaps, “every single one of us parents” or maybe, “parents who don’t have the right support, resources and information.” The one thing I don’t want to call them is “bad parents,” because that sort of label is shaming and leaves parents feeling isolated and stuck and that’s not helpful for anyone, ever.”
You say, “Calmer parents make for calmer kids.” Can you explain that? Kids can really give their parents a hard time!
CN: “Look, we’re not responsible for our kids’ shenanigans. But we don’t want to make everything crazier than it already is. And whether we like it or not, our kids are totally tuned in to how and what we’re doing. It’s a survival mechanism that evolved over generations because we are literally the adults who keep them alive. The bad news is that if we’re falling apart, our kids are going to take their cue from us, and ramp up their stress. The good news is that the opposite is also true. Now, we’re not Jedi’s and we can’t mind trick our kids to calm down, but the calmer we get, the more we’ll send the family energy in the right direction.”
Too much information and so-called “experts” are making
parenting harder. What do you mean by that?
CN: “I know this is a bit rich coming from someone who has written several parenting books, but hear me out. The right advice can be helpful, but there comes a tipping point where we’re getting too much advice and that makes us crazy. It can increase our stress, anxiety and self-doubt and set us off on unhelpful paths to change aspects of our parenting that may not need to be fixed. All of this makes us more likely to lose our sh*t with our kids, which is the opposite of awesome.”
How can understanding brain science help moms and dads parent their kids better?
CN: “In the moment when your kids are pushing your buttons and you’re about to explode, it can be hard (if not impossible) to keep things in perspective. Why can’t they stop hopping around the freaking kitchen and just put on their shoes, which you’ve only asked them to do 27 times? Sometimes, your kids’ shenanigans can feel like personal attacks; after all, you can’t get more personal than your own kids. This is when the whole brain science thing can be helpful. When we can remember that our kids literally don’t yet have a prefrontal cortex — the part of their brain that helps them make plans, follow through with said plans and regulate their emotions (aka not lose their sh*t) — it can help us have a little more compassion and patience for everyone involved.”
What is a trigger?
CN: “I think of a trigger as anything that makes it more likely that we’ll lose our sh*t with our kids. The most common triggers for parents are exhaustion, stress and anxiety, but there are lots of other triggers, too, including difficult anniversaries, chronic pain, an obnoxious conversation with that annoying parent on the playground at pick up, bad news from your boss or doctor or social media. When we’re triggered, our sympathetic nerves kick us into fight, flight, freeze or freak-out mode. It makes our buttons huge and glowing and super pushable, and when our kids come along and push them, we lose it.”
OK, so how can parents prevent themselves from losing it?
CN: “Sadly, there is no iron-clad guarantee that we’ll never lose it again. Fortunately, there are steps we can take to make it far less likely that we’ll explode, and these steps will also make our freak-outs less frequent and intense. Basically, we want to reduce our triggers when we can, and take care of ourselves in specific ways that will make our buttons smaller, dimmer and less pushable. I have a whole list of such practices in the book. They’re not rocket science, but they may require some habit changes on our part. The most powerful practices involve getting some sleep, reaching out to our support system when we’re struggling and having a whole lotta compassion for ourselves when the sh*t hits the fan anyway, as it inevitably will.”
How does multi-tasking make parents lose it?
CN: “Multi-tasking makes us crazy. We think we’re being all awesome and adulty, but the truth is that trying to do multiple things at once increases our stress and anxiety and makes us all tense. This is not the awesome adultiness we’re going for. When we take the time to do just one thing at a time whenever possible, our nervous system calms down and we make it far less likely that we’re going to break, drop, forget or lose things, including our minds and our sh*t.”
Anything else you’d like to add for parents?
CN: “I had two goals for this book. The first was to teach parents how to stay calm and patient in challenging parenting moments. The second was to reduce the shame that parents feel around this totally common parent/child dynamic. So many parents believe that they’re the only ones who lose it with their kids, and they’re not. We’re all in this together — including me — and the more connected we feel to other parents, the less ashamed and triggered we’ll be.”
Cheryl Maguire is a married mom of twins and a daughter. She has been published in The New York Times, Parents, Your Teen and many other publications.
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