Don’t cut the kids out, invite them in. Don’t think that day-to-day life will be that much easier (and quicker!) if you simply do everything yourself. Don’t just leave kids to their iPads — involve them in the living of life. So goes the antidote to today’s frantic life pace amid what kids really need.
The parent/child relationship is about so much more than our kids just being there. It’s about more than discipline and making sure they have pants that fit. The parent/child relationship is complicated and requires nurturing — on your part. If you feel you’re nurturing your child, then great. But plenty of kids would love more attention, less distraction on your part and the “push” that good parenting provides.
Along with nurturing, kids need structure. They need you to set boundaries. They need natural consequences when they make bad choices. You may worry that consequences for actions will make your kids defiant or actually hurt your relationship, but the opposite is true. Giving boundaries with consequences when kids step out of line makes them feel safe, loved and seen. Even if they don’t show it in the heat of the moment, they want you to parent them.
Doing projects that put you in close proximity to your kids is a great way to nurture them. Children thrive when they feel safe to express themselves, so listen with an open heart, guide with kindness, and replace judgment with understanding.
Building the Relationship Should Be #1
Your kids should be a work in progress. And each one is very different from the next. Some may be like you; others you may wonder where they came from. And every stage in their lives is different, too. So, what’s the best way to approach nurturing kids?
The broadest agreement among experts like Leonard Sax M.D., Ph.D., bestselling author of The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups (Basic Books) is on authoritative parenting.
Authoritative parenting seems to work best as an approach to children that is “nurturing, responsive and supportive,” yet at the same time, sets firm limits and boundaries.
“The quality of the parent/child relationship predicts good outcomes down the road,” Sax says. “It is of immense importance in decreasing the risk of anxiety and depression and in improving all kinds of good outcomes for your children; building that relationship has to be your first priority,” he adds.
Here are ways to build your relationships:
Turn Off YOUR Electronics
Yes, TURN IT ALL OFF. No matter how entertaining it is, technology hinders relationships with kids. Every now and then, sitting on your computer or on your phone, realize that there may be a child sitting next to you. Yes, there are so many things to keep track of; who’s driving which carpool; emails about everything under the sun; social media itching to be scrolled through; weather broadcasts; news. It can all make you lose your balance. With your child just sitting there. At the end of the day, you just may realize that you have forgotten to really look into your child’s eyes that day.
Have your kids take breaks from their electronics, too.
“Part of your job as a parent is to educate desire,” Sax says. “To teach your child to go beyond ‘whatever floats your boat,’ to enjoy and to want to enjoy, pleasures higher and deeper than video games and social media can provide,” he adds.
“Part of your job as a parent is to educate desire,” Sax says. “To teach your child to go beyond ‘whatever floats your boat,’ to enjoy and to want to enjoy, pleasures higher and deeper than video games and social media can provide,” he adds.
Have Family Home Nights
Creating specific time for family works wonders for parent/child relationships. It’s a game-changer in this fast-paced world of ours. As far as dinners go, when you sit down together you can talk about your ups and downs for the day. It really helps to prioritize a built-in time to talk everything over and know what’s happening in each other’s lives.
Hold Monthly Interviews with Each Kid — Really!
Whether it’s the first Sunday of the month or casually on a little lunch date, interview your kids. Ask questions. Listen to their answers. Remember to ask what they’re most worried about and what they’re most excited about. Keep a journal with their answers over the years. It will become a treasure that you can look back on. And after interviewing your kids, make sure you follow up with them about what they may have told you! They will feel your support quickly but it can diminish just as quickly if you don’t prioritize them.
Hug and Hug Some More
Touch is one of the easiest ways to nurture your parent/child relationship. Give hugs! Your kids need them and so do you. If hugging is awkward for you (maybe you didn’t get them a lot growing up), start with a pat on the back or an arm around the shoulder and work up to being a hugger. Make up a handshake to use with your little kids. Put your arm around your big kids when you’re talking. Scratch their backs when you’re walking side by side. Have a welcoming response when they walk into a room.
Be a Safe Space
Take the time to figure out how you can open your kids up more and keep at it. Cooking together in the kitchen is great because you’re all in close proximity, and things come up. Gardening together is all about nurturing, in fact, doing any project-based activity that requires closeness is great. And go ahead and stretch out on your kids’ beds at night for a little one-on-one because that’s when kids open up the most, when you’re just hanging out. And don’t forget the one-on-one dates.
Work on YOU
If you are approachable, available and non-judgmental toward your kids, they will naturally want to be with you and open up to you. That’s really it.
Develop Thick Skin
All of the prioritizing of your kids that you’re doing can become like a minefield at times because kids can be brutally honest sometimes without realizing it. Take the negative things that your kids say with a grain of salt. Most of the time, they are just trying to get a reaction without even realizing what they are doing. You just need to be a “durable object” and practice the “love and logic” method (Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Foster Cline and Jim Fay). For instance, if one of your kids says, “I don’t like you!,” or, “I hate you!,” or “ You’re grouchy!” you simply say, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that you think that way,” and move on. No emotion. Amazingly, if you show no emotion, the whole thing will just slip away.
Aim to Have Fun
Oh, and one more thing. Have fun and lighten up. Life doesn’t have to be so serious! Sometimes you can forget in the middle of all the other important stuff that just enjoying the day matters. Joke, laugh and play together to create core memories that help strengthen your relationship.
Relationships are a constant work in progress, but at the end of the day, you’ll all sleep better if you don’t make everything so heavy. After all, “kids grow up fast,” says Sax. “You want to find time to do fun things with your kids. Make family dates. Parents do all kind of chores with their kids, but you need to make time to do fun things, too.”
Marnie Witt is a mom and freelance writer.
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