It’s the middle of the night and you’re in a deep sleep. You hear a loud cry of, “Mommy!” or feel a touch on your arm. At first you’re not sure if this is all part of your dream. Eventually, you wake up and realize your child is frightened and needs you. Then you stumble into her room in a total daze, faced with the challenge of needing to comfort your little one after she’s had a nightmare.
Given this middle-of-the-night drama, it may be shocking to learn that nightmares in childhood are actually normal. They play a positive role in your kids’ emotional growth and coping skills. About half of all young children experience nightmares, especially 2- to 6-year-olds. Children are particularly prone at this age because this is when they’re developing fears and imagination, and trying to learn the difference between fantasy and reality. Nightmares tend to peak by 10 years of age, and then they usually decrease.
Handling Nightmares
Children’s nightmares stem from many different types of experiences that cause emotional responses, such as hearing a scary story. During this scary season, watching a frightening movie can trigger a nightmare. So too can worrying about school, struggling socially, or reacting to a family change. Facing new milestones – potty training, moving out of a crib, learning to ride a bike – can also cause bad dreams. Experts have found that fear is not the only emotion that can trigger nightmares: confusion, guilt, disgust and sadness are also culprits.
Nightmares: A Reaction to Stress
Nightmares typically happen in the second half of the night during rapid eye movement (REM) sleep. Because of this timing, children usually can remember their dream when they wake up. REM sleep stimulates the parts of the brain used in learning. Some scientists believe that dreams are the brain cortex’s effort to find meaning in the signals received during REM sleep. This process could be beneficial to your children even if they may be scared temporarily from a troubling dream. As a reaction to stress, nightmares help children work through their emotions or traumatic events. They consolidate bad feelings into a concrete memory that can be more easily processed, filed away and forgotten.
Michael Nadorff, assistant professor of psychology and a sleep behavior medicine specialist at Mississippi State University, equates nightmares to having our own exposure therapy to review and confront experiences so we can overcome our fears about them.
Through kid’s bad dreams, parents can gain insight into their deepest thoughts and concerns.
Rosalind Cartwright, Ph.D., a former professor emeritus of psychology, author and sleep expert (she passed away in 2021) said nightmares are like having an internal therapist, helping surface one’s deep-rooted emotions and fears. In writing The Twenty-Four Hour Mind: The Role of Sleep and Dreaming in Our Emotional Lives, Cartwright once said, “A bad dream, like an elevated temperature, is a sign that something is wrong.”
Comforting Kids
Nightmares give clues to what’s happening in your child’s life. They are almost like revealing a secret emotional code that you may not be privy to during the day. By connecting with your child after a nightmare, you can help them work through their issues and feel better.
Comforting your child in the moment is important so they can express how nightmares make them feel and realize that they’re OK. When they’re upset, you can go to their bedroom and give them a hug or back rub until they calm down. It’s OK to have them to talk about the nightmare, but don’t push too hard if they don’t want to discuss it. Console them verbally by saying, “I understand your dream must have been scary, but it was not real. Mommy sometimes has bad dreams, too. You’re OK. I am here to comfort you. I love you and you are fine.”
If your child wants to check under the bed or in the closet for monsters, go along with the exercise. Once they have calmed down, tuck them in with their favorite blanket or stuffed animal and reassure them that you will be down the hall if they need you again. If they argue with you about going back to sleep, explain that they need to get their rest so they can enjoy the next day. Provide an example of something fun for them to look forward to.
You can continue to talk about the nightmare the next day by encouraging your child to talk about it if he wants to. Consider getting creative like drawing or painting pictures, journaling, reading stories and discussing them, or acting them out with puppets. Look for patterns in the themes of their nightmares to try to understand what the stressor may be. The most important thing is to encourage your children to talk it out so that they address what’s bothering them while they’re awake.
Is it Something More Serious?
— Are the nightmares interfering significantly with your child’s sleep ?
— Is your child avoiding bedtime because she’s worried she will have a nightmare?
— Are the nightmares getting worse and occurring more frequently?
— Are bad dreams impacting your child’s school day and interaction with family and friends?
— Is your child repeatedly waking up with detailed recollection of scary dreams that involve threats to their survival?
If you notice issues persisting, it’s important to speak to your pediatrician about what is going on. It may be time to explore treatment options or a sleep study for a more detailed evaluation.
Discover More Great Parenting Content
