Some days, my voice starts climbing before I even know it’s packed a bag. If I’m not careful, the yelling starts.
The toys are everywhere. Someone is whining over the exact snack they dramatically rejected five minutes ago. I can feel the pressure building in my chest like a shaken soda can.
Here’s what I’ve learned (usually five seconds too late): yelling might stop the chaos for a moment … but it doesn’t teach anything. And it definitely doesn’t build the close, trusting relationship I’m trying so hard to create.
“Your voice isn’t the problem — fear is, ” says Sarah R. Moore, author of Peaceful Discipline. “We don’t teach calm during meltdowns — we teach it in calm moments.”
Being an emotionally intelligent parent isn’t about being zen 24/7. It’s about having better lines ready when you’re this close to losing it. Here are:
Three Phrases to Use Before You Start Yelling
1. “I can see this is really hard for you.”
When kids are really irritating, they don’t need a lecture. They need to feel seen. This phrase doesn’t mean you agree. It means you’re acknowledging their big feelings. And once kids feel understood? They calm down faster. It gives you a moment to calm down, too.
2. “Let’s take a break and come back to this.”
Hot brains don’t solve problems. Taking space isn’t giving in — it’s modeling self-control. You’re teaching them that stepping away is smart, not weak. And you can circle back later if you want too.
3. “Let’s figure this out together.”
Power struggle? Or teamwork? It’s your choice. This simple shift turns you from “the boss laying down the law” into a coach. Kids are way more cooperative when they feel included.
Listen, kids are wired to test limits. It’s what they do and they can’t help it. They are developing. But if you share these words you’ll be building connection instead of fear. These phrases teach emotional skills instead of demanding instant obedience.
And on the days you do yell? (Because you will. I do.) You repair. And apologize. You show them how humans handle mistakes. That’s emotional intelligence too.
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